Submission to This American Life
A little over two months ago I submitted a story pitch. I thought It was insightful so I'm posting it now.
Dear This American Life staff,
A year ago today my father died of complications due to a bone
marrow transplant caused by cancer. As my dads condition started to
drastically decline my first child was being born across town. My
greatest fear up to this moment was that my father and my daughter
(his first grandchild) would miss each other on this plane of
existence. The morning of my daughter's release from the hospital, I
got a call from my brother (who was keeping vigilant watch over my
fathers condition) who told me to quickly come over to the other
hospital and say what could be my final words to my father. It seemed
as if my daughter and father were going to miss each other by a matter
of hours. Luckily through out the day my fathers condition improved
and l was able to put my child in to my fathers arms. It was one of
the greatest moments of my life. My father lived for six months after
the birth of my daughter Sydney. The following descriptions are the
universal realizations I have learned through this experience. It is
followed by more the details and connections of the story.
Here are some of the metaphors I used to describe this passage of my life.
I felt as if I were at the center of a hurricane. At the center
was my core. At the edge of the storm were my limbs and appendages. I
was being swirled around, twisting and turning, folded in and over on
my self. I was mixed with feelings of great joy, love, purity, while
just as strongly feeling the worst hurt and loss. Every thought that
went through my head held this duality of joy and sorrow.
Also the was the realization of the cycle of life. The following is a
passage I blogged during this time. It accurately articulates these
feelings.
"Since I learned of the return of caner to my father's body I
have been filled with dread for this passage of my life. I was so
scared of the timing. I want my Daughter To know her grand father, and
I have been so scared for the worst. But now these fears have turned
to hope. I am beginning to realize that Sydney and my father needed
each other. In this moment is seems to me that the timing was not bad
it was perfect. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I visualized
their relationship as a pair of butterfly wings. On either side are
two beautifully adorned wings, broad at the ends and joined at a
single point in the center. Like deep-sea water currents their two
energy's pass back and forth giving each other just what they need.
One cannot exist with out the other. As I am writing this it is
becoming clear to me that I am at the center of this relation ship,
this figure of infinity. I am going to be a father while I am still a
son."
Before, during, and after this experience I have been filled
with a profound sense of joy and love for life. This experience has
only affirmed what I already knew. No matter how entitled we feel we
are only guests for a short time. I do not regret a single moment I
spent wit my dad. Though I wish there were more moments I will always
rejoice fore the time we got. I will not let my self morn for time
that could have been. There is a idea in my head that is constantly
driving me. It is as follows;
In the end we die but whats more important is that we get to
live in the first place. It is for this reason I embrace all that life
has to give me. Good/bad, sorrow/joy, love/hate, they all are vital
experiences of what it means to live. I often think about the moment
just before I die. What will got through my mind? Well after much
deliberation of this inevitable moment it occurred to my that in these
last moment of life we will gain absolute acceptance. We accept all
that our life is and was with out judgement. All the good/bad,
sorrow/joy, love/hate it can not be changed, nor is there a need to.
We will be thankful just to have the chance to feel all those
emotions. This is also the moment we will accept our death. All that
was our life has been revealed to us in its entirety. Life is no
longer a unknown, it is understood and we are free to look forward to
the unknown, death. In other words it is a moment of absolute joy and
a pure expression of what it means to live. It is the realization that
just to have the chance to live, no matter what the life, is a miracle
and you are the recipient.
I carry this realization with me every moment of every day. I
was nervous for the moment my philosophies of life would be tested. As
it turned out they gave me great hope and strength through every
moment of this experience. Today they continue to allow me to connect
with each moment.
A few other details which I would like to add;
I am a photographer and as a habit/ obsession I document just
about everything in my life. As a sort of coping mechanism I recorded
or at least attempted to record all of my conversations with my
father, family, and all those in my life at that time. I have hours
and hours (and hours) of audio documenting this time of greatest joy
and sorrow including the last conversation I had with my father. I
have spoken with my family and they all support me and my desiccation
in telling this story. Also, I have video clips of my dad describing
his cancer, inside his hospital room, and the birth of Sydney (my
daughter). In fact you can see the story of Sydney's birth on u-tube
at the following link. (I highly recommend you follow the link to get
a feel for the quality of the audio and my style)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv8m2yIjlA
The video was made using a film camera and the voice recording device
I used to record the conversations with my Dad and family.
My father was a doctor all his life. He knew it was his destiny
from early child hood. My brother followed in his footsteps and I
chose to follow the artistic side of my dad. As my brother was
finishing up his residency at O.H.S.U. in Portland Oregon. my father
was admitted for treatment for lymphoma. My brother was by his side
night and day coordinating his care between 10 different doctors. Some
of whom he was still studding under. My father and my brother knew all
the realities of my dad's conditions, procedures and consequences of
his treatment. At times my brother was forced to confront his
superiors on my dads behalf. Throughout all this experience my brother
was tyring to decide which type of medicine to practice. My brother is
now in a oncology/ hematology fellowship at O.H.S.U.
My father died at the age of sixty two the same as my
grandfather whom I never meant. My grandfather died suddenly from a
heart attach on Yom Kippur. I know my grandfathers death weighed heavy
on my dad. As a child I remember my dad getting a page during Yom
Kippur services. One of his patients was having a heart attach. My
dad, brother, and I quickly got in the car and went to the hospital.
We followed him to the room and he sat us down in plain view. From the
nurses station my brother and I watched my dad work to save this mans
life. I was not a easy code but my dad was not going to give up and in
the end his patient lived.Watching my dad save this patients life was
profound for both my brother and I. In fact it was in that moment my
brother committed to becoming a doctor. Many years later my father
ended up dying in the same hospital room. As they were wheeling my
father in to the room he turned to my brother and asked him if he
remembered this room. My brother nodded yes hoping for the same happy
ending. But I think my father knew he probably would not be leaving
this room. When I realized what room he was in it reminded me of all
the generations from my grandfather to my daughter. Even though I
never meet my grandfather I came to know him in that room. I realized
that I am a rung on a rope ladder. Even though from my position it is
hard to see beyond the rung above me (my father) and the rung below me
(my daughter) I can fell the energy and sway of all the generations
before me. For we are all connected on either side by the ropes that
bind us together. If twisted this rope ladder begins to look like a
DNA strand. It is the structure that contains the essence of all
living things. My Dad was devoted to helping humanity and I proud to
be carry his DNA and I too will try my best to help humanity.
The following is a link to a photograph of a tribute I made to my
father in the Temple of Honer at Burningman this year. It was located
at the top of a double helix staircase in the center of the temple.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aaronrogosin/2949352563/
Thank you for engaging my story. I know you get a lot of submissions
but I believe this one will resonate with your audience. My Dad died a
year ago today and I have given my self permission to begin work on
telling this story. I believe that with your help and guidance This
American Life will be the best format to present my story to the
world.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Aaron Rogosin
Dear This American Life staff,
A year ago today my father died of complications due to a bone
marrow transplant caused by cancer. As my dads condition started to
drastically decline my first child was being born across town. My
greatest fear up to this moment was that my father and my daughter
(his first grandchild) would miss each other on this plane of
existence. The morning of my daughter's release from the hospital, I
got a call from my brother (who was keeping vigilant watch over my
fathers condition) who told me to quickly come over to the other
hospital and say what could be my final words to my father. It seemed
as if my daughter and father were going to miss each other by a matter
of hours. Luckily through out the day my fathers condition improved
and l was able to put my child in to my fathers arms. It was one of
the greatest moments of my life. My father lived for six months after
the birth of my daughter Sydney. The following descriptions are the
universal realizations I have learned through this experience. It is
followed by more the details and connections of the story.
Here are some of the metaphors I used to describe this passage of my life.
I felt as if I were at the center of a hurricane. At the center
was my core. At the edge of the storm were my limbs and appendages. I
was being swirled around, twisting and turning, folded in and over on
my self. I was mixed with feelings of great joy, love, purity, while
just as strongly feeling the worst hurt and loss. Every thought that
went through my head held this duality of joy and sorrow.
Also the was the realization of the cycle of life. The following is a
passage I blogged during this time. It accurately articulates these
feelings.
"Since I learned of the return of caner to my father's body I
have been filled with dread for this passage of my life. I was so
scared of the timing. I want my Daughter To know her grand father, and
I have been so scared for the worst. But now these fears have turned
to hope. I am beginning to realize that Sydney and my father needed
each other. In this moment is seems to me that the timing was not bad
it was perfect. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I visualized
their relationship as a pair of butterfly wings. On either side are
two beautifully adorned wings, broad at the ends and joined at a
single point in the center. Like deep-sea water currents their two
energy's pass back and forth giving each other just what they need.
One cannot exist with out the other. As I am writing this it is
becoming clear to me that I am at the center of this relation ship,
this figure of infinity. I am going to be a father while I am still a
son."
Before, during, and after this experience I have been filled
with a profound sense of joy and love for life. This experience has
only affirmed what I already knew. No matter how entitled we feel we
are only guests for a short time. I do not regret a single moment I
spent wit my dad. Though I wish there were more moments I will always
rejoice fore the time we got. I will not let my self morn for time
that could have been. There is a idea in my head that is constantly
driving me. It is as follows;
In the end we die but whats more important is that we get to
live in the first place. It is for this reason I embrace all that life
has to give me. Good/bad, sorrow/joy, love/hate, they all are vital
experiences of what it means to live. I often think about the moment
just before I die. What will got through my mind? Well after much
deliberation of this inevitable moment it occurred to my that in these
last moment of life we will gain absolute acceptance. We accept all
that our life is and was with out judgement. All the good/bad,
sorrow/joy, love/hate it can not be changed, nor is there a need to.
We will be thankful just to have the chance to feel all those
emotions. This is also the moment we will accept our death. All that
was our life has been revealed to us in its entirety. Life is no
longer a unknown, it is understood and we are free to look forward to
the unknown, death. In other words it is a moment of absolute joy and
a pure expression of what it means to live. It is the realization that
just to have the chance to live, no matter what the life, is a miracle
and you are the recipient.
I carry this realization with me every moment of every day. I
was nervous for the moment my philosophies of life would be tested. As
it turned out they gave me great hope and strength through every
moment of this experience. Today they continue to allow me to connect
with each moment.
A few other details which I would like to add;
I am a photographer and as a habit/ obsession I document just
about everything in my life. As a sort of coping mechanism I recorded
or at least attempted to record all of my conversations with my
father, family, and all those in my life at that time. I have hours
and hours (and hours) of audio documenting this time of greatest joy
and sorrow including the last conversation I had with my father. I
have spoken with my family and they all support me and my desiccation
in telling this story. Also, I have video clips of my dad describing
his cancer, inside his hospital room, and the birth of Sydney (my
daughter). In fact you can see the story of Sydney's birth on u-tube
at the following link. (I highly recommend you follow the link to get
a feel for the quality of the audio and my style)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv8m2yIjlA
The video was made using a film camera and the voice recording device
I used to record the conversations with my Dad and family.
My father was a doctor all his life. He knew it was his destiny
from early child hood. My brother followed in his footsteps and I
chose to follow the artistic side of my dad. As my brother was
finishing up his residency at O.H.S.U. in Portland Oregon. my father
was admitted for treatment for lymphoma. My brother was by his side
night and day coordinating his care between 10 different doctors. Some
of whom he was still studding under. My father and my brother knew all
the realities of my dad's conditions, procedures and consequences of
his treatment. At times my brother was forced to confront his
superiors on my dads behalf. Throughout all this experience my brother
was tyring to decide which type of medicine to practice. My brother is
now in a oncology/ hematology fellowship at O.H.S.U.
My father died at the age of sixty two the same as my
grandfather whom I never meant. My grandfather died suddenly from a
heart attach on Yom Kippur. I know my grandfathers death weighed heavy
on my dad. As a child I remember my dad getting a page during Yom
Kippur services. One of his patients was having a heart attach. My
dad, brother, and I quickly got in the car and went to the hospital.
We followed him to the room and he sat us down in plain view. From the
nurses station my brother and I watched my dad work to save this mans
life. I was not a easy code but my dad was not going to give up and in
the end his patient lived.Watching my dad save this patients life was
profound for both my brother and I. In fact it was in that moment my
brother committed to becoming a doctor. Many years later my father
ended up dying in the same hospital room. As they were wheeling my
father in to the room he turned to my brother and asked him if he
remembered this room. My brother nodded yes hoping for the same happy
ending. But I think my father knew he probably would not be leaving
this room. When I realized what room he was in it reminded me of all
the generations from my grandfather to my daughter. Even though I
never meet my grandfather I came to know him in that room. I realized
that I am a rung on a rope ladder. Even though from my position it is
hard to see beyond the rung above me (my father) and the rung below me
(my daughter) I can fell the energy and sway of all the generations
before me. For we are all connected on either side by the ropes that
bind us together. If twisted this rope ladder begins to look like a
DNA strand. It is the structure that contains the essence of all
living things. My Dad was devoted to helping humanity and I proud to
be carry his DNA and I too will try my best to help humanity.
The following is a link to a photograph of a tribute I made to my
father in the Temple of Honer at Burningman this year. It was located
at the top of a double helix staircase in the center of the temple.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aaronrogosin/2949352563/
Thank you for engaging my story. I know you get a lot of submissions
but I believe this one will resonate with your audience. My Dad died a
year ago today and I have given my self permission to begin work on
telling this story. I believe that with your help and guidance This
American Life will be the best format to present my story to the
world.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Aaron Rogosin
posted by rogue at 6:06 PM
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