Hope and Fear, The Future

Things have been a little more than a bucket full of drab lately. My Dad has been having one complication after another throughout his bone marrow transplant procedure. Last Thursday he had a heart attach. He has an a-fibrillation rhythm of his heart. As I write this he sits in the cardiac intensive care unit at OHSU. The only thing that improved with his move was the view from his room, though all he can see is the nurse’s station and the hallway. So that was last Thursday and today is Saturday. With each day we have little specks of hope balanced by set back. Today it looked as if he has a bowel obstruction, but on the up side his white blood cell count is up .1%. To me he seems to be better today but as I look at the faces of my family of doctors I get the sense that I’m missing something. I was able to hear him speak form the other side of the room. This is a marked improvement. We try and talk about the baby as much as we can. He is excited for Sydney's arrival. What a strange mix of emotions. Each day leaves me exhausted. I stand poised between two precipices of utter joy and consuming fear. In times like these all I can do is pray.